


to hand over your life

by QueenOfSkaro



Series: AUs [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Hurt Fíli, M/M, Prostitution, attempted suicide, dub-con, kili being a little jerk, mentally instable Fili, modern-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 06:22:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2140455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfSkaro/pseuds/QueenOfSkaro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili does everything he can to give his little brother a good future. But what happens when Kili finds out how exactly his college is paid for?</p>
            </blockquote>





	to hand over your life

**Author's Note:**

> Written for HKM
> 
> Prompt:  
> http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/10731.html?thread=21686251#t21686251

It had been forever since he could enjoy this, could think like an adult his age and just do it for fun, but he did what he had to, did what needed to be done in order to make sure his brother had it better than him.  
He moaned low in his throat, forced the sound out on habit, because all the guys wanted to think he liked what they did to him. He didn't, but what did it matter in the morning when he could shower over an hour, make sure Kili got to his lecture on college on time and pretend that everything was normal. He would do the chores around the little apartment they shared, scrub everything fastidiously clean, being obsessive in his thinking that even if he would always stay dirty at least Kili wouldn't need to live with it.

Trying hard to think of everything else than his brother - he would break if his little Kili would somehow find his way into his nights, even only in thought - he went through his shopping list, they needed cheese again and they didn't have any apples either, even if Fili hated the things, he had to make sure Kili ate healthy - and shit, he was there again, right as the guy over him grunted and came into the condom.  
He waited to let the tears fall until he stood on the street again. One of this days he wouldn't be able to do this anymore, one of this days he would just break apart, but until then it was his brother that kept him going. Sweet little Kili, smart and confident Kili, that was always full of bright smiles and hugs and even while absorbing every second of attention he got from him, he always made sure that his filth stayed with him. Kili had a future. He did not.

 

His skin was red from the hot water and his meticulous scrubbing, raw and tender, but it was the way Fili liked it best. This way he could pretend he was clean, really clean, even if it just was for a few minutes and he remembered that most of his filth was in him, not on him. Making sure breakfast was finished he set up a plate of eggs and bacon and a cup of strong coffee on the little kitchen table, having heard Kili in the bathroom and knowing that he would be hungry. Then he started to clean the kitchen again, he couldn't let his brother sit and eat anywhere dirty.

The door opened, but the younger didn't come in, which was weird. Normally he always set down and wolfed down anything that was set infront of him. Fili looked up, question on his lips, but it died the moment he saw the thundercloud on his brothers face. Dread settled in his stomach, cold and unforgiving and he wanted to retch it up, get it out of him, but he knew it impossible and he had to bite whatever would come now.  
"How can you do this?", was the first question asked, tone cold and unattached, arms crossed infront of a wide chest. So distant. Fili started to tremble, tried to keep it down. It wouldn't do to upset Kili now any more than he already was, he was always so quick to worry. Or would he, now? He doubted it a little.

"What are you talking about?", he asked, trying to keep his voice firm. The dread coiled and expanded and he _knew_ , he just _knew_ what Kili meant, but he didn't want to believe it, because he was always so careful not to let anything on, not to show how short of breaking down he really was. A cellphone was thrust under his nose, on it a picture of Fili lying on a hotel bed, naked and with a few bills strewn over his debauched body. He almost threw up on the spot.  
"How can you let strangers fuck you for money?", the younger asked, tone like acid on the blondes body. "This was a friend of mine yesterday who fucked you. He saw you on the street, on the street, Fili! Like a filthy hooker! Is that what you are, Fili, nothing more than a whore? Do you know how embarrassing it is to know that my friend fucked you?"

There was shudder down his back and a pricking in his eyes, but he wouldn't let the tears fall now. Kili was right, of course. He had every right to be embarrassed of him. He didn't even notice that the guy took a picture of him.  
"And worst of all you lied to me. Everyday I use things you bought from the money you made, I live in an apartment rented from the money and you got it all from whoring yourself out! You're disgusting, I can't even look at you anymore. Don't think you'll ever see me again, you're dead to me!" Kili grabbed an already packed bag and then shut the front door with a loud bang, while Fili still stared at the spot his brother stood on in shock.

Dead. He was dead to him. To the only person that ever mattered to him, that never let him down or send him away or disappointed him. His brother was gone. The only good thing he still had, that he so selfishly kept as near as he possibly could, because he was the only source of happiness he could find. Gone.

He didn't wail, didn't sob, he didn't even cry. His eyes felt dry, made of sand and hurting his eyelids. He just stood there for long enough that the water from the faucet ran icecold. It needed more strenght than he ever remembered needing to turn the water off. Then he threw the eggs in the trash, dumping the coffee in the sink and letting the dirty dishes just stay there. Something he didn't do since he started to make money.

That's what he always called it. Making money. He told Kili he stood behind a bar at night and was waiting tables the days, even if he just slept in that time. His brother was smart, he would have known that it was too much money from just working as a bartender. And everything sounded better than whoring himself out, even if that was only the truth. His brother was right, like he always was. He learned early that Kilis mind was a force to reckon with. Of course he was right now too. He was a whore, he was disgusting. And he was dead to his brother.

He couldn't stand to stay in the flat anymore, needed out and needed fresh air. He felt hollow and empty. He was bursting at the seams for so long, too much despair for one soul to hold and now they cracked open, flooding everything he ever was and ever would be out and that left him - nothing more than a shell. He still looked whole, wasn't regarded weird on the street. Still intact on the outside. But in him there was nothing, no real thoughts, no motivation.

The bridge was high and he stood right in the middle, looking out over the railing into the river. Maybe he would burst then too, when he made an impact with the surface. Then his outside would look exactly like he was feeling. Shredded, defect. Dead. He was already dead for his brother, what reason could he have to stay breathing? He didn't want to. It was always so exhausting to keep on going, to put a smile on his face and make breakfast and do the dishes like a normal person. And now it just wasn't needed anymore.

Maybe he would drown if he didn't burst and that wouldn't be so bad either. It probably wouldn't take long to fill his lungs with enough water to black out and then it would be over.  
Or he would freeze, it was still cold for april. 

He didn't need to think any longer, even if there were so many people around, just on their way to work - real work, respectable work, not like him. Not a whore, not disgusting.  
He didn't wait to draw another breath on the other side of the railing, he just jumped. And he fell and kept his brothers face infront of his eyes, lips curled in a snarl, eyes narrowed, because he couldn't get an image of him smiling anymore, he didn't deserve it anyway, so with this last condemnation he made impact and at least it felt every bit like bursting.

 

Still mad and aggressive he paced through the streets, throwing an internal fit about all the lies his brother had fed him. He was so angry at him, how long had he lied? Kili always thought that they were near, nearer than was normal, even for siblings. He thought they would tell each other everything and now that!  
But he deflated quickly, sitting down on a convinient placed bench and hid his face in his hands. Oh god, the things he said! How could he have said something so vile? Yes, he didn't like what his brother did, would never think it alright, but most of all he just wished he had known beforehand, could have had the chance to prevent it and protect him from it. But his friend - he would never talk to that wanker again, that much was sure - had just send him the picture this morning and he was shocked and yes, maybe he was disgusted, who wanted to see their brother like that, but that didn't give him the right to say such mean things.

He already wanted to apologize for them, but he would let Fili stew a little longer, just because his older brother had lied to him, probably for quiet some time and that fucking hurt.  
Not even two minutes later he dialed their apartment, because he couldn't stand it any longer. He saw the desperate eyes of his brother and the supressed trembling in his hands and he just wanted to beg for forgiveness. It wasn't ok, he was just plain mean and he would cook him something nice this evening. And then he would make sure the other stayed home the night.

The call disconnected as it went on for too long and Kili frowned. Alright, maybe his brother was mad at him now - that would be okay, he had every right to. They would talk in the evening, he would apologize and charm Fili with his mac'n'cheese and then everything would be right again, wouldn't it?  
There was a feeling of dread in his stomach that he couldn't explain, but it made him dial his brothers cell after a few minutes, praying for the other to take the call. There was a connection, but it was definitly not his brother and a second he was mad again, until he registered that it was a womans voice. Maybe he was with a friend? Kili couldn't remember the last friend of his brother's he got to know, now that he thought about it, but that didn't have to mean anything.

"I'm Kili, Filis brother. Is he there? I need to speak to him, it's really urgent.", he said, letting a bit of his distress flow into his voice.  
"Brother, you say? I'm really sorry to inform you about that, but your brother just got admitted to hospital. I just found his handy, it's a wonder it's still functional."

Kili was on his feet and running towards the hospital before he really registered what the woman said. His brother had an accident. His brother was injured and hurt and he really needed to see him soon and beg for forgiveness, because what if something really bad had happened?  
"What happened?"  
"Oh sweetheart, I'm not sure I should tell you that on the phone, it's not really -"  
" _What happened?_ " A little pause.  
"He jumped off a bridge, sweetie, I'm so sorry. There were enough people to call the ambulance right that second and to his luck there was a policeman there who jumped after him to help him. I don't know how he is, though. So sorry, dear."

Everything went black and bright and starlight right there and he stumbled, foot catching on air and he fell on his face, scraping his whole cheek bloody, but he didn't feel it. Grabbing his cell he cancelled the call and ran as fast as he could, almost getting run over by a car two times, but he just didn't care, because this was all his fault and what if his brother died thinking Kili meant all this vile things?  
He needed to stop and threw up in a trash can until his throat felt raw, but the moment he finished he wiped his mouth with his sleeve and ran the last three blocks.

In the hospital they told him to wait, told him his brother wasn't finished getting checked up yet, but that they would call him the moment he was in a room. And getting into a room was a good sign, wasn't it? They didn't seem overly worried, but that could easily be just because they saw people die every day.  
The waiting area was full and he pressed himself into a corner on the floor, head between his knees and trying to keep the tears at bay.

Fili had tried to kill himself. He really tried to fucking kill himself and how could Kili ever live with that? It was his fault, there wasn't any apology for that and it was so much more serious than he thought before. This was something not even his mac'n'cheese could get out of the world. He didn't need much of his minds theater show of all the times he saw Fili looking lost, or exhausted, or just plain miserable, but most times he let the topic slide after getting a little smile from the older. Forced, so forced, but he never wanted to see it, wanted to think everythink was perfect. No, he didn't need much of that to hate himself. How could Fili ever forgive him for that?  
There was the call of his name and he was on his feet and infront of the nurse in second, that smiled indulgently at him and took him a few corridors over to the room Fili lay in.

"He broke his left leg and was undercooled when he came here, but he'll be right as rain. A few bruises here and there, but to his luck no inner injuries, that's what we were afraid of. He's going to be alright with a little time. The doctor will talk to you too, but I would advise to look for a therapist for him. He needs help, before something like this happens again.", the nurse said and he nodded forcefully, he would make sure Fili would go see a therapist and then she was gone, leaving him to stare at the lost form of his brother, pale and looking so small in the hospital bed. He sat down next to him, grabbed his hand and thanked every god he could think of that he still had the chance to make amends.

 

Everything was hazy as he blinked his eyes open and he couldn't for the love of god remember when he fell asleep. He tried to sit up, but his limbs felt heavy and he grew a little worried. What happened?  
And then everything came back to him and he wished it hadn't, wished he didn't remember and wished he would have been successfull. Even then he only failed and he couldn't smother the sob that broke free.  
But just as the sound left him there was a hard squeeze on his hand and then he saw his brother leaning over him, looking at him with so much worry as if he was anything different than a filthy whore and even as he was surprised to even see him there he looked away, not wanting to risk making the other mad again. Maybe he would stay if he tried his best? His best was never enough, but maybe, maybe this time and he could keep him -

"Oh Fili! I'm so sorry! I'm so happy you're awake, don't you ever dare to try that again or I swear I'll beat your ass!", Kili gushed, cupping a bruised cheek and tilting Filis face back to look at him. He saw the scrapes on the youngers cheek and his eyes grew big, because what could have happened, how could he be injured, who did it, was he injured anywhere else too or -  
"Don't worry, I just fell trying to come here. Everythings alright now, I swear, you just worry about getting better."

That wasn't what he wanted. He hadn't wanted for Kili to stay with him out of pity, stay with him just because his older brother couldn't stay alone without doing something stupid. The younger would surely be happier with one of his friends, but he was selfish and just wanted to keep his little brother with him for all eternity and never let him go again.  
"Don't worry, Fee. Everything's going to be alright. You just get fit again."

There was silence, even as he felt Kilis heavy stare on him, but he wasn't sure what he was allowed to say and so he just kept quiet. The dark haired sighed and placed a little kiss on his hand.  
"I'm sorry, Fili, I really am. Everything I said this morning was just mean and you didn't deserve anything of that. And no, I don't just say that because you did something so immensely stupid there just aren't words for it, I wanted to apologize even before that. It was vile and I don't really think any of those things. I was just angry at you for lying. And I know there's so much more I need to do to make it right again, but I need you to know that I love you and there just couldn't be a better big brother in the world, okay? Just...before anything happens again, you need to know that. I love you."

To say he was shocked would be the understatement of the year. He felt frozen in place, felt undeserving and doubtful, but he also felt something small and delicate blossom in his chest again, careful and hesitant, but there and maybe he wasn't dead to his brother after all. Maybe everything really could be alright again. And if he was unconscious and this was some wishful dream, he wouldn't complain either, as long as nobody woke him up. A little smile stole itself on his lips.

"And I love you."


End file.
